Contentment vs. happiness

I had this title as my working title. I decided to keep it. One doesn't normally see those words squaring off against one another but I've been thinking about both quite a bit lately. As I wrestle with my thoughts, trying to denote the difference, I've come to some realizations. For starters, on my personal journey, 54 months ago, my world changed. The ensuing 36 months were some of the darkest of my life. The last 18 has been a steady climb back toward a more balanced life. A year ago, I was able to say that I was content. Well, not all of the time, but feelings of contentment crept into my being. However, I was not able to claim happiness. So, my first thoughts are that happiness is a higher standard than contentment. If think this is my own notion because if one looks up the words in the dictionary, each word is defined as the other. In my world, being content is being satisfied with how things are; with happiness, there is a more joyful or positive feeling. Last year I had a conversation with a colleague at work. After many challenging years, she found happiness. At the time, I was still in a rather difficult place in life and I was doubtful that I'd find happiness. Well, within the last two weeks, I have been able to vocalize that I am happy. This usually causes me some trepidation as I feel if I am too happy, reality will come crashing back to bring me back. But still I wonder, what got me to this happier place?

As I have written about in earlier posts, my summer experiences at Dancing Rabbit were certainly a contributing factor. I found out last week that my Residency application for Dancing Rabbit was approved and next summer I will spend at least ten weeks there! (Residency is six months, but I can take two years to complete it.) That certainly has affected my mood! I have this huge light at the end of my tunnel. There is no question that teaching is a stressful job. While I enjoy it, I am usually consumed with work. Knowing that I have such a positive place to go at the end of the school year helps to sustain me during the busy times. I can almost feel myself floating in the pond at DR!

Since I am 55, I am old enough to retire. I will evaluate this school year and see how it goes. Knowing that I can walk away if I choose to also helps to give me a positive look at life. I will still have to work in some type of capacity but a change in career might be helpful for me. I feel like I have control and I have choice. Last year I made the decision to be me...everywhere. At work, in my community, with friends...everywhere. This was a huge change and one that I spent years working up to. The love and support of family and friends has been humbling and amazing. I never thought that I would be able to be real at work, of all places. This overall acceptance and freedom to be me has probably had the greatest impact on my psyche. I struggle to put my feelings in to words. The best I can do is that I feel there is so much more space in my brain. I presented at our opening staff meeting, something I haven't done in a long time. I also feel that I am in a position to help others again. I have always tried to do that but during my prolonged dark stretch, I was definitely taking more than I was giving. Being able to listen and comfort gives me more positive feelings. Lastly, I am a terra firma kind of gal, as I've written before. Spending time in the garden this time of year is simply comforting. This weekend I canned 16 pints of salsa, picked 471 cherry tomatoes (Yes, I counted them!) and worked up some soil to get ready to plant my spinach for the spring. My late planting of beans and beets are looking really content, er, maybe even happy. I have dozens of big, thick green peppers getting more tasty by the day. I gave the broccoli and kale some attention and I should have that to eat from into the early winter. In short, happiness emanates from the earth and I can see it directly in my garden. So I'm happy. And now you know it. I guess I'll pause to clap my hands. May the bluebird of happiness find you, and NOT fly up your nose.