Prevent Suicide Walk
- Sep 17, 2017
- 3 min read
Today I took part in the Manitowoc Prevent Suicide Walk. I was impressed with the turnout and I enjoyed walking the 5K with friends. To start and end the walk we walked through the Arch of Hope and posted along its sides were names and pictures of loved ones lost to suicide. I found that to be rather powerful. On the back of the shirt that we were given was the information on the picture to the left, Know the signs. Too many people are lost to suicide each year and being aware can help steer people toward help. Decades ago I was concerned for a friend and in a rather frank conversation, we made a pact that if either of us was ever considering suicide we promised to contact the other. We went our separate ways but stayed in contact. From time to time, I thought about the pact and how I was fairly confident that one day we would talk. I was right. Only he didn't call me. I called him. That was 24 years ago. I remember driving to a pay phone (remember those!) and dialing his number. That was the first time that I needed someone to help save my life. Fast forward to four years ago and circumstances in my life took me to some dark places. Depression can have a powerful grip and the circumstances of life can sometimes leave one feeling trapped. I credit a circle of friends and a loving family for being concerned for me and helping me to see hope. One of my friends made me make promises that she knew that I would keep out of respect for our friendship. She threatened to call the police if I didn't. And she would have. Other friends would ask what they could do or sometimes just listen.
The It Gets Better Project was something that gave me hope. I learned of a link to the LA Gay Men's Chorus and this video was used in a traveling It Gets Better Presentation. I have probably watched this video 50 times in the last four years. It reminds me that I am not alone, that I have love and support, and it always leaves me in tears. A coworker and I took a former student to the presentation in Milwaukee to support him. However, they were also there to support me. It was the first time they met my authentic self and I recall the evening with fondness.
Eventually, I was in a situation where I needed to save myself. Despite such acceptance and such support, I still felt myself with nowhere to turn. I convinced myself that I didn't want to bother anyone. I sat in my car at one of my favorite places. and contemplated my next move. I won't go in to details but I got as close as I ever have to ending my life. In the last moment, something happened that caused me to panic and at that moment, I realized I wanted to live. I knew that in order to live, I would have to be real. I couldn't hide, I couldn't live two lives any more.
There was a time when I was afraid to go back to this spot as I didn't trust myself. A friend gave me this necklace and I would wear it as a reminder of life, both its beauty and its fragility. I am in a much better place than I have been in a long time. As I mentioned in a previous post, I identify as happy. While happiness can be fleeting, I know that I have other choices than suicide. At the very end of the walk today a friend and former co-worker saw me and gave me a hug. She was SO supportive and kind! We probably hadn't seen each other in 15 years. She and her son were involved in planning the event and she mentioned the importance of people talking about suicide. By sharing our stories and expressing our feelings, we create a culture of support. That was the impetus for this topic this week.
Do me a favor and read the "Know the Signs" image at the top of this post. Perhaps there is someone you may be concerned about. Sometimes a simple, "Are you okay?" or "Let's go out for coffee" can make all the difference.
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