Bailing...

If you were to talk with one of my friends or family members you could confirm that I have been rather self-absorbed for the last few years. If you ARE one of my friends or family members, you know this all too well. I admit to being embarrassed for this and I know that it was part of my survival and coping mechanisms. I know that I need to make some adjustments. This week was rather rocky for me at work. On a personal level things continue to be better than I could have imagined. Professionally, I am struggling. As a veteran educator, I feel that I know my way around a classroom and how to manage the ins and outs. I readily admit that I still have much to learn; I know that I will continue to strive to create my classroom in a way that matches my ideal and I am wise enough to know that I will never get there.

When I am asked about my work, my recent explanation is this: I enjoy teaching but I don't like education. I love taking ideas, working with colleagues, and generating tasks and lessons that meet the needs of the students. With our ever-changing world, there is no shortage of a need to create to keep up. This is the artistic part of teaching that is so rewarding. I also love working with students. So many are facing their own personal battles yet show up to school ready to learn. I find hope in the outlook and creativity of young people. One of the rocks I saw this morning had a message that read, "I 💜 EN Forever." We abbreviate English 9 as EN 9. After a week when I was doubting my ability to finish out the school year, this one made me chuckle and let me know that I just can't bail on my profession.

What I don't love about education are the top down directives that come from the government or our own district level administration that interfere with the teaching component. I know that the people making the decisions work in different environments, with different parameters, and many are doing what they think is best. However, I am doubtful of many of the decisions made on the state level. There are ulterior motives that are designed to destroy public education. I believe that sometimes those making the decisions are too out of touch with those who are on the front lines implementing said decisions. This isn't really anything new. Why is it bothering me now? As I sat on the rocks, thinking of my challenging week, watching a boat glide gently past, I came up with this explanation: For the past 4+ years I have been in my little row boat, taking on water. As I took on water, I began to bail. I was so focused on staying afloat, that I stopped paying attention to the world around me. My goal was to prevent the sinking of my ship. (I wasn't doing this alone, I know that my own personal Coast Guard was around to prevent me from sinking.) With the start of this summer, I stopped the leak. I have slowly been able to focus beyond my own boat. As I do, I am noticing that the seas around me are stormy. While it may have affected me before, it didn't bother me or I didn't have the energy to address it. Now it seems to be a priority and my mind was out of practice in dealing with it. My rocky week was due to me needing better coping strategies to deal with those things beyond my control. My first instinct is to attend to my own boat again. But that voice of responsibility to work to improve my own corner of the world is strong. I don't think I can worry solely about my own row boat. I have taken on a small leadership role at work. My goal is to use that to help make a change or model things the way that they can be.

My weekend will be one of reflection and meditation to adjust my attitude. Specifically, I need some mantras or diversionary tactics when I feel the anger or frustration rising up. I have learned, but sometimes slip, to refrain from emailing some knee-jerk response to an email that upsets me. Rather than getting angry that my boat is leaking again, I need to look beyond the boat and try to influence those things that cause my boat to again take on water.

Please use the comments below or message me directly if you have some suggested ways that you deal with those things that impact you but are beyond your sphere of influence.