Sadness.

Sadness. For whatever reason, sadness grabbed ahold of me today and wouldn't let go. Maybe it is the world events. Maybe it is the weather. Maybe it is being alone. I cried before sunrise. I cried while exercising. I cried while driving. I cried while walking in the yard and working in the garden. Some of my reasons for tears are a little too personal to make public but I'll share a few of the triggers.

I visited my parents today to help them with cleaning out their apartment. We moved to Manitowoc as a family in 1966. One by one, my siblings and I went off to college. David and Marilyn settled elsewhere, Marcia and I chose to raise our families here. Throughout it all, my parents had a house or an apartment in Manitowoc. They have decided that they will not renew their lease at the end of the year. I am dedicating a space in my house for them when they choose to be here. I don't think I have adequately prepared for aging parents. Being with them today had me wondering where the last fifty years went! The circle of life has always been powerful for me. Today, it was overwhelming.

I thought a good session on the elliptical would help get the endorphins going and turn me around. However, the first song I had on my playlist for today was Games People Play by the Alan Parsons Project. In case you don't know it, the opening lines are:

"Where do we go from here now that all other children are growin' up

And how do we spend our lives if there's no-one to lend us a hand."

I had just come from seeing my Mom & Dad so this brought on my exercise tears. That song was followed by Sister Golden Hair by America:

"Well I tried to make it sunday, but I got so damn depressed That I set my sights on monday and I got myself undressed"

Of course I was listening to this on Sunday and I was feeling rather depressed. I took a warm shower and spent some time cleaning the house to work through my emotions.

Today was a good day to curl up and read a book. I read Piecing Me Together by Renee Watson. There was much sadness in the book as the main character was a young woman of color, living in poverty. On page 98 Renee Watson writes:

"For months people will tell girls and women to be careful and walk in paris, but no one will tell boys and men not to rape women, not to kidnap us and toss us into rivers."

I am sad that this is the reality for far too many people. So much for reading to help escape. That being said, I can't wait to suggest this book to my students. As I plan for upcoming book clubs I want to add this one to the mix of All American Boys by Jason Reynolds and The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas. I anticipate some amazing discussions that I hope will fuel some authentic writing.

I have too many friends in pain, dealing with sadness. I can feel their pain. Actually, briefly today I felt the pain of the world it seemed. An odd, consuming feeling.

I read over my journal and reviewed my gratitude list. I have much for which I am grateful. And I know I could bake, cook or can some more tomatoes. I could do some writing or perhaps some school work. Instead, I think I'll try some meditation and then cry myself to sleep.

Tears on my pillow, tears of a clown.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I'll try again tomorrow.