Descending

I'm okay. I am. That being said, this will be emotional to write and perhaps emotional to read. Autumn has long been my favorite time of year. I don't mind winter either. I'd much rather have it be 40 degrees than 80 degrees. That being said, the last few years I have been increasingly disturbed by Seasonal Affective Disorder. I think the abruptness of the end of Daylight Savings Time makes the situation worse for me. Arriving at work in the dark and getting home in the dark takes its toll on my psyche.

I wish I could put the blame for my mood purely on the seasonal change. I've increased my vitamin D dosage, what a friend calls sunshine pills. I got my happy light out of its

box. But still, on the weekends I just want to curl up, read and take a nap. Hibernating sounds rather appealing.

This past week I cried myself to sleep a couple of times. I've been having more times where I have powerful sadness without knowing why. Sometimes I can determine why, but other times I am left in the dark, literally and figuratively. This week, I know the cause of my intense feelings and it has to do with grief.

Right now I am wondering why people sometimes say, "good grief!" since I am not a particular fan of grief. When I lost my job 4.5 years ago, I experienced a surprising and profound grief; I came to know grief. I learned that grief's stages are rather predictable and it seems that one just needs to let them run their course. The grief I am experiencing now was something I have felt mildly from time to time but this week it roared at me in ways I'd not felt before. I don't know if I have the skills as a writer to adequately explain. In short, I am saddened at the loss of my male self. Having spent 50

years of my life living as a male, I became accustomed to those aspects of my life. Increasingly, I became less comfortable and in an effort to save my life, I decided to live as what I feel is my authentic self. While I continue to be humbled and amazed with my transition, I have too many times when I don't know who I am; I look in the mirror and I don't know who is looking back at me. I liken this to an actress playing a part and doing it so long and so successfully that she becomes confused as to what parts are her and what parts are her character. The picture of the ship probably needs an explanation. I was down near the harbor at dawn this morning and I saw this ship docked on the south side of the Manitowoc River. The Pere Marquette 41 is dubbed one of the hardest working ships on the Great Lakes. It is a barge that lately seems to haul and do things with stone. Twenty plus years ago, the ship was the City of Midland 41 and was one of the car ferries on the lake. In order to continue, the ship went through a rather drastic transformation. Once a proud passenger ship, it is now a working barge. Two very different histories. Both successful. One forgotten with each passing year.

As a male, I was soft-spoken and kind. In a society that seems to reward and glorify loud domineering males, I was comfortable being a little atypical and more in the shadows. I was a good husband and father.

As a woman, I seem less patient, more drama-filled and less able to cope. I realize that there are other factors at work than just gender: I am older, the educational field has been changing in stressful ways, the political world has changed incredibly. I find it difficult to pinpoint what is at the root cause of my change. What I know for certain is that I don't like myself very much. I've had a few friends tell me that while they love and support me, there are times that they do miss my male self. I miss that me too. I don't want this to be concerning. I have an appointment with my counselor in four days. I took my personal days at work and at the end of this week, for the third time in five months, I'm making the trek to Dancing Rabbit. I'm continuing to do everything I can think of to continue with self care, as I wrote about last week. November 20th is the Transgender Day of Remembrance. This upcoming week, Nov. 14 - 20th, is Transgender Awareness Week. There have been over 25 murders of transgender people in the U.S. already this year. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, 41% of transgender or gender non-conforming people have attempted suicide. I continue to have a support network that has to be unparalleled. I am so fortunate. But yet, this struggle is real and sometimes incapacitates me. My heart aches for those who have no support, families who disown them and kick them out, no shoulders to cry on. I'm okay. I am.