On my own...

As soon as I found out that my daughter was going to be alone for the holidays, I made the decision to fly to New York. And honestly, it wasn't until I was coming home that I realized just how much I made the trek for me too. I was planning on being alone for my birthday and Christmas so this was a win - win. I drove to Madison after work on the 22nd and I left for the airport on Saturday at 4:15 a.m., my birthday. I love flying out of Madison because it is such a small airport. It took me 21 minutes to drive to the airport, check my bag, go through security and be at my gate. Of course, the time of day helped a bit with that! I got to Jacqui's at noon and we had plans for dinner that night. As a parent, one of the toughest things with grown children who have moved away is the length of time between hugs. One goes from months of hugs every day to learning to make a hug last for months. My son has been living in Madison and upon my return from NYC, I am now living alone. I am trying to think when the last time I have done that. Save for the recent summers, it has been over 30 years. There are some parts of living alone that give me such freedom. I can play the piano or saxophone, or vacuum at 3 a.m.; I know that things will be the same in the house as when I left for work, barring any cat happenings. As an introvert, I need my space, I find comfort at times withdrawing into my space. However, there are many parts of living alone that bring me sadness. I find that I need to be connected with other people.

When I first arrived in New Jersey I was looking at the big board of trains to NYC and I had my back to an employee. Mind you, I had on killer purple boots, tights, a flowery purple skirt, my Nicole Miller luggage, a purse, and my hair was down. The person only saw me from the back and called me sir. I admit to being miffed. When she proceeded to do it two more times after seeing me, I was rather hurt and a tad angry. The rest of the trip was wonderful and I felt free to be me wherever I went in Brooklyn. The flight home was amazing! On the trip back from NYC to NJ I connected with a young kindergarten teacher from Germany, Sabrina. She came to New York to see Springsteen on Broadway. She was adorable and such a free spirit. We had to go to separate terminals but she gave me a hug before she departed. In the TSA line at my gate, I bonded with the woman in front of me as we were taking off our boots. Her name is Jamie and we ended up having dinner together and sat next to an 82 year old woman from upstate New York, Maryann. Such meaningful conversations that happened despite all of us heading different directions within hours. Again, we separated with hugs. This gave me some smiles as I reflected. At first I thought, men don't do this. But then I thought perhaps it was me. Living as a male, I was guarded and usually uncomfortable around people I didn't know. Perhaps this was a product of me living a deep kept secret. I don't honestly know. I do know that I am more gregarious and connected as my authentic self. I think I am perceived by others as safer. Upon my return, I was back to the reality of Wisconsin. I made a quick shopping trip to Green Bay this past Sunday. In one store, I was called sir.

I was dressed as you see to the left. Seriously?! I know I am tall, a bit heavy and I have broad shoulders. However, I'd like to think there were enough cues for the clerk not to use a gendered term. I have been restless the past couple of days, feeling a bit isolated out here in the country. I guess I just wanted to be appreciated and loved. I've slept alone for the last four years and nights can be difficult sometimes. I thought that meeting someone might give my ego a boost. I went so far to see if I could connect with someone online to just go see a movie or grab dinner. I thought that placing a personal ad for New Year's Eve might be the way to go. Not quite. First of all, I have learned that there are many lonely people out there. I also learned that most men don't know what the word platonic means! Seriously. In my first response to anyone who shows interest, I explain that I am a transgender woman. I had three individuals, out of the 30 or so who responded, let me know how deceiving and sick I am. In the end, I deleted my posting, stayed in and went to bed, keeping my usual schedule. I was up early and saw the eagle at sunrise this morning. I feel this beauty and sign of good fortune was to balance off the negative energy I felt last night.

I thought about making resolutions but I decided to continue with my approach that today is just another day. And it is. I go back to work tomorrow. With traveling and the freedom from having ten days off from work, I have strayed from my exercise and healthy eating routine. I'll start that up again tomorrow. I want to read more biographies, to learn from others who have walked this earth. Prior to break I read Eleanor and Hick on the recommendation from a friend. In the coffee shop in Bay Ridge, on the shelf next to where I sat, was the book, Love, Eleanor. I started reading it and asked the barista if I could buy it. She told me I could borrow it and return it when I am done. I love that! In the introduction is this passage: "Her energy was extraordinary and these letters were usually written at the end of a long, crowded day. This form of communion with those she cared about recharged her emotional strength." That passage resonates with me as I feel a need to be connected with others. I am such an emotional creature, I drain easily. Staying connected with people and in tune with them helps to fuel my self. I look forward to learning more. Prior to break, for the first time, I heard of a Hispanic tradition to eat 12 grapes quickly at midnight of New Year's Eve and make a wish for each month of the year. Since I was sleeping at midnight and I'd be afraid of choking and living alone, I decided to eat my grapes for dinner and make my monthly wishes slowly. I also think I'll focus on a different biography each month. I spent years reading and learning about Gandhi. I need to branch out and spend a month capturing the essence of the outlook of others. January will be Eleanor. Beyond that, I'm not sure. I welcome any suggestions on people whom you have found to be inspiring.