Decisions, decisions

I hate making decisions. However, there are many times when I also hate being told what to do! I'm not sure where this leaves me sometimes. Treading water, purgatory, or idling until something kicks in gear.

Much like the scarecrow in the wizard of Oz, I could go this way, or I could go that way, or I could go both ways. Until that time, I'll just hang around and try to use my brain.

When I first started teaching, my principal was very supportive of me. When I became a principal, this same person was the superintendent. He was in my corner my entire career and sometimes I wonder what he saw in me. Perhaps it was my work ethic or that he could tell I connected with young adults. I don't know. What I do recall is that early on in my administrative career, I struggled with some veteran teachers who were very negative. I recall telling my boss that if I ever got like that I wanted him to tell me and I would happily quit. I'll never forget his response: because I expressed this, he knew that he would never need to tell me. I'd just leave on my own.

Fast forward twenty-five years later and here I am, wondering if my thoughts are enough that I should recognize the signs and call it a career. I agonize over this decision; I look for signs or waiting on the proverbial straw to break my back. If you really know me, you know that I am a fan of the show Survivor. I have never missed an episode and I have auditioned to be a contestant three times. When it is time for a person to leave, her torch is snuffed out and the all-too-familiar phrase is uttered: "The tribe has spoken." That seems harsher than what I want. Five years ago I was downsized from my teaching job for economic reasons.

I am still dealing with the grief and trauma from that event. I don't think I want my torch to be extinguished again. In the early 1970s, I was a fan of the show Kung Fu. David Carradine's character, Kwai Chang Caine learned the ways of the Shaolin as a boy. When the show came on, the viewer saw him growing up. When it was time for him to leave the monastery his master exclaimed: "When you can snatch the pebbles from my hand, it is time for you to leave." This seems like a better way to exit. I have learned, I have studied and I have achieved. Leaving will be an accomplishment and just another step in my journey. How wonderful to have something that clear cut to inform me on when to take that next step.

I have various strategies that I admit to using. The most sensible one is to create a t-chart with the advantages and disadvantages of a particular choice. Sometimes the results point me in a direction with such clarity that I feel relief. Other times I will journal. Emptying my head and organize my thinking on paper assists me in getting in touch with my feelings. I also admit to flipping a coin at times. However, rather than have my life be ruled by randomness, I get in touch with my feelings as the coin is flipping in the air. I quickly ask myself what I want the outcome to be. This gives me insights as to what my heart wants. I just need to find a way to figure out what my brain wants and then balance out the two. How do you make tough decisions? I think I am in need of some new strategies and I welcome any responses.

Peace.