I took it back

For this week's blog, I decided to share one of the pieces that I wrote when I was at the Plant a Seed Writing Workshop at the Milkweed Mercantile at Dancing Rabbit Ecovillage earlier this month. This was the one piece that we peer edited. I was partnered with Talia and she gave me some wonderful feedback to make this much stronger that it was originally.

I Took It Back

I returned it.

I took it back.

I didn’t need it, nor did i want it.

Funny thing is,

For much of my life, I didn’t realize I had it.

But it was there. So much that I didn’t give it a thought.

So, I’ve said goodbye to my male privilege.

When I first became aware was probably when I moved away for college. Realizing I could walk freely on campus without fear of assault and often walking female friends home. I noticed it when my partner and I bought our first car together. The salesman looked only at me, talked only to me, when in reality my partner was the one who saved her money so we could afford the car. It got to the point where I had to set the salesman straight. I looked him right in the eye and said, “Why do you keep looking only at me? Actually, my wife is the one whose money is buying the car.” Oddly enough, while my wife noticed the salesman’s gaze, it didn’t seem to bother her as much as it did me.

As a female identified person, i’ve experienced life from another perspective. When it came time for me to buy my own car, the salesman said, “I don’t want to confuse you with a lot of numbers.” I bought a car elsewhere.

Now, I am more aware at night, walking alone. I get up so early that to some it is still night. I recall the first time I felt the fear of my gender. I was walking to take a picture of the lighthouse before dawn. I got part way out on the south pier, snapping some photos of the

predawn sky. A car pulled up along the bank, two men got out, presumably from a night of drinking. One of them yelled out, “Enough with the damn camera, bitch!” I froze. I didn’t know what to do. I mulled my options and I knew that if I tried to get off of the pier, they could get to the spot first. My only option was to continue walking out the pier. I had about a hundred yards to walk before the pier ended in the cold lake. I was shaking, more from fear than from the cold, and wondering how I could have been so stupid. My only hope was that the men would lose interest if I ignored them and walked away. Fortunately, my only option proved to be successful, they got back in their car and quickly drove off. I was never more relieved. Not until I could see their car across the river, and they couldn’t turn around did I run back to my car. I locked the doors and cried. i took no photos of the sunrise that day. I thought how this is a day in the life for too many women.

This experience came at a time when I was still not living as myself. Times like the early morning gave me an opportunity to dress as me. My silver lining at the time was, “Hey, at least they saw me as a woman.” What a horrible price to pay for acceptance!

Upon reflection, it wasn’t so much me being stupid. How is it stupid for me to go for a walk in the morning? How is it stupid for any woman to be walking alone? What is stupid is that some see a female alone as an opportunity for harassment.

Because society is as it is, I am more conscious of my decisions. If am going out in the evening, I may bike on the wooded path at night instead of walking, thinking I’ll be able to stay safe or get to safety more easily. Or, I will choose to take a car. I park near lights, with my keys and phone at the ready.

Happily, with some trepidation, I gave my male privilege away. I still have fears sometimes for being attacked for who I am. But in a twisted way, long after the event, I am glad I had the experience, to further allow me to have empathy and realize that we have much work to do in helping some men learn how to be human. What will it take for women to be allowed to walk freely anywhere without being cat-called, threatened or assaulted? I am also wondering what other privileges of mine need to go?