Different Is Just Different

Today I planned on doing some work at my parents’ earth home near Montello. This morning I left rather quickly and I grabbed the closest t-shirt to wear as work clothes. When I saw that the shirt I grabbed was my Wonder Woman shirt I hesitated, as I knew it would get dirty. It wasn’t until I was digging in the dirt and tossing timbers around did I think how much that shirt fits me. I don’t mean literally. In reality, it is a little snug. But I AM a wonder woman. Sadly, I don’t have any super powers. (Perhaps I do and I am just forbidden from revealing them.) My shirt fits me because I am a woman who is constantly wondering.

My task for today was to replace some timbers on the side of an earthen garage that had fallen

down. I have walked past this spot hundreds of times in the last few decades. One might think I would remember how it looked before. I suspect I was too busy looking at the forest, or the trees and perhaps not seeing either of those well. In a sense, today I was playing with big Lincoln Logs. (Note: for those youngers reading this, Lincoln Logs were the 1960s and 1970s equivalent of Legos.) I had a puzzle with a set amount of pieces and a desire to put things back as they were.

If you really know me, you are aware that I am not the most handy person. I was not surprised when early on it seemed that things weren’t going to stack up exactly as they were before. The day was already getting long and a wee bit humid at 9 a.m. and the last thing

I wanted to do was start over. After some continual wondering and constant self-talk, I persuaded myself to proceed as I was. I reassured myself that however I chose to reassemble these pieces, it would be fine. I reasoned that there doesn’t need to be judgment attached to this. Different is just different, it isn’t better or worse. Too often in life we tend to look for the one way, the best way, to do something. Sometimes, people feel pressure to find that way. Some may even forgo the challenge for fear of not meeting the ideal.

As I continue to come to grips with my father’s dementia, I am learning to appreciate him as he is, not comparing him to how he was in the past. I have learned that the tears flow rather freely and quickly when I do reflect on how things were before.. He is a different person from when I was growing up, even from five years ago. But then, so am I. We still have a wonderful relationship and I enjoy spending time with him. Our relationship is different, just like the wall I reconstructed is different than what it was before. Too often differences divide people, resulting in alienation. There are several groups that I belong to that have had some serious differences of opinion lately. I have gone to a Madison transgender support groups and right now they are split over whether or not uniformed police officers should be marching in the Pride parade in eight days. I understand both sides of the issue but what disturbs me is how hateful and demeaning some of the comments have been. On reddit yesterday, regarding something else, someone made a post that read, "An argument is when you are trying to determine WHO is right, a conversation is when you are trying to determine WHAT is right." I am wondering why we can't have more civil conversations and less nasty arguments. Comparisons and evaluations seem to cause anxiety and self-doubt. Expecting things to be as they were before can set one up

for disappointment. We are human and we need to be kinder in general, to ourselves most of all. We are different than other people. There may be times when we feel that we don't measure up in some way. Different is just different. We are enough as we are.