Memory Lane

Trips down memory lane are supposed to be fun, aren't they? Maybe my recent venture was enjoyable but the catapult back to reality was not. Boston Public was a television series that aired for four seasons, from 2000 - 2004. It focused on teachers and administrators in a large public high school in Boston, MA. It just so happens that for three of those years, I was an assistant principal in a middle school. While the problems on television were much more serious and dramatic than what I faced, the pace of the school day and the interactions resonated with me. I watched all four seasons each week back then. Fast forward twenty years later and for reasons I’m not quite aware of, I started watching the show again. It is interesting to see how things have changed, for example with technology. Phones were around but not ubiquitous. There were some computers but of course, they were archaic. Fashion and hairstyles were also noticeably different. As I watch the show, I find myself becoming nostalgic. Many of my friends, former colleagues and relatives are in education and I continue to wrestle with the guilt of leaving my profession. I know that I needed to exit for my own mental health but I still struggle with that decision. I have skills and insights I could put to use in a school but I do not.

While I enjoyed my times in administration, I often longed to go back to the classroom. One reason I chose not to continue as a principal was that I was afraid of my authentic self being discovered. I felt the teacher’s union offered me protection should my secret get out. I was also concerned with the reputation of the school should it be made known I was transgender. There was much less awareness and understanding back then. I think my caution was warranted. As I tell myself often, "I made the best decision for myself at the time." To my surprise, today I watched season 2, episode 20. This originally aired on May 6, 2002. In this episode, there was a student who was born male but was female identified and who wanted to be prom queen. There were some outdated terms used but the word transgender was also used a couple of times. I won’t spoil the plot in case any of my readers decide to watch the series but suffice it to say that I cried, my heart was warmed. After the episode, I closed the window on my computer and within two minutes, I saw headlines describing the hate being spewed at and about drag queens and transgender people. My warm heart and gentle tears of joy turned to anger and tears of sadness. The hope from twenty years ago has vanished. When I transitioned six years ago, I had widespread acceptance. I still feel

loved and supported but I admit to being afraid to travel. There are states in our country that I can’t even fathom going to. While I don’t want to live my life in fear, I know that all it takes is one idiot with an agenda, one mob looking for a scapegoat, to disrupt my peace or end my life. I know that I’ll find my courage again at some point but for now, I am sad and not liking our society very much. This map is from the ACLU and it shows the states that have had anti-LGBTQ bills introduced within the last year. What do I do when my own state passes such laws? What happens when they all do? Where do I go? Hopefully any bills introduced in Wisconsin can be vetoed for now but what about down the road? I try to be a good person, showing kindness and compassion; I try to help others when I can; I have morals and values;

I’ve never had so much as a speeding ticket. Why am I judged to be evil by ignorant people with too much power? How is it that the destructive political agenda of some can persuade the masses to take away the rights of others? The movie The Elephant Man just popped into my head. “I am not an animal. I am a human being.”